Guys, Kaneez will be here in 2 minutes.
The shot is ready. Yeah, coming. Manik don’t fumble this time. Manik, guys. Manik. -Is he crying?
-Hey! What happened buddy? I just broke up with Nitya. What happened?
Parents didn’t approve? Inter-caste marriage! No chance they would’ve approved. -Plus the cancer.
-Cancer! -We found out during the pregnancy test.
-It’s okay. She says it’s not mine. I fully understand
what you’re going through, Manik. Even I’ve faced adversity
throughout my life. You know when I was a little girl, my mom would stop me from sucking my thumb. Can you imagine? I had no right to use my own thumb! No, no, don’t do that! What are you saying? How is that the same thing? I feel your pain, Rytasha. Do you know? I have to cut my own nails. And not just my fingers.
Even my toe nails! Don’t have time for it during the day, and this cruel world
won’t let me cut them at night. Then should I throw it in the dustbin, or flush it?
Or spike my ex’s drink with it? What do you mean? Nails! Ex’s drink? That’s just unhygienic
and against the law. LAW! Don’t you talk about
the law in front of me. Where was this law? When I was illegally detained! Who went into the jungle? I did. Who dug the grave? Me! Who carried out the murder? Me! And I should also be
the one who goes to jail? Even after apologizing? Where’s justice in this? We all understand your problem. No, you don’t understand. Rytasha, you need to grow up! And Sainee can you please
be a little more hygienic. And you!
Aseem. You should be in jail, bro. Does nobody understand
my real, actual problem? I broke up with my girlfriend! Who is pregnant and has cancer! You know,
come to think of it, Manik. There are no real problems
in your life. You just had a break-up. She’s the one with cancer
and she’s pregnant also! Oh, come on! Come on! Don’t be ridiculous! I should have thrown the corpse
down the valley! Hey guys! Do you mind
if I hide out here for a bit? I put out a tweet about a pot-hole and now they are
calling me an anti-national and there’s a mob outside,
after me, trying to kill me. Oh ho ho guys,
Princess Kaneez also has problems. Not everything is about you, okay! Just because you’re the host, you think your problems are bigger than ours? How dare you! How dare you presume
that you’re the center of attention, Kaneez? You know what,
I have to cut my nails everyday! Look at my toe nails.
I just cut them in the morning and they’ve grown again!
They’re growing! See! See!
I’ve to cut these also! Shame on you!
Shame on you! Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome your host for this evening, Kaneez Surka! Hey! Hello, hello, hello!
Welcome is all over all of you.
In our hot… and fresh…
The Brand New Show! Our host is plenty. One host is made. Next time, one host is made. Every host is made. As such is made…the show. Alright guys,
let’s start over in English. My name is Kaneez and welcome to The Brand New Show! Today is a very special day because today is Children’s Day!
Yay! But let’s get real for a bit guys. Children suck, right? Right? There’s a couple of people
nodding their heads, I can see it! Children suck!
And I realized this very recently. Do we really need to give birth
and celebrate them? I mean, I’m not just saying this
because I’m a 36 year old single woman whose prospects of
getting married and having children are getting slimmer by the day. I’m saying this because
I really mean it guys, I really believe it. Okay!
Children are not special, but you know what is special? My Netflix stand-up special
coming out on Netflix soon. Didn’t see that coming? No but back to children,
I just find them really annoying. It’s always like,
“Kaneez aunty, take me poo-poo!” “Kaneez aunty,
play dumb children games with me!” “Kaneez aunty,
can we get that 200 rupees you borrowed from our
piggy bank back please?” Ugh, yuck! See what I mean! See, here’s the thing, alright. Because of children,
we now have to worry about the future. We have to curb
our awesome lifestyles, so that they have a
better lifestyles in the future! What the hell? Alright. We can’t chop down trees… No! We can’t chop down trees
to build metros! Because apparently they need
“oxygen” in the future. What’s more important?
AC trains or some stupid tree whose name
sounds like an undergarment? Alright. Hey kids, remember…
ACs don’t kill people… Children kill people. In American schools… It’s a…
Yup, I went there, it’s true. I went there.
It’s children. Mainly children. And my favourite, because I’m not done.
I’m not done. My favourite… is ‘Save water’! You should bathe
with a bucket Kaneez, not take a shower.
Buckets only take 10 litres, showers only take 35 litres. Firstly ew! I’m not middle-class. Here’s the thing,
children are just too much. You know, they’re out there
with their selfishness and their lies and their deceit
and imaginations that take them to different
dimensions and galaxies where the absolutely
impossible becomes possible… and in one of those galaxies, children born today
might actually live in a world where the planet isn’t dying. But in this world, 20 years
from now our kids are going to ask, “Why do we have to wear
this oxygen mask all the time?” “What’s a whale? Why is the rain made of acid and why does the sun
burn my skin all the time?” To which I’ll say, “Grow the f**k up,
you little wusses!” Yeah. You should have miscarried
yourself when you had the chance, but you didn’t.
So deal with this now! Let’s continue with the show and end this segment…
like we should end our children. It’s time to meet our guests!
That’s right! We have for you today
internet’s favorite couple- Two cats typing
furiously on a laptop! What! They can type? No, I’m just kidding. Animal activists
wouldn’t allow us to bring the cats. So instead, we have the second
favourite couple from the internet! Mithila Palkar and Dhruv Sehgal! Yeah! Come on! Hi! Let’s do this! -Hi guys!
-Hi! Hello! So, we’ve known each other. Have we Kaneez? We’ve known each other
for many, many years. Mithila, remember the first time we met?
Remember the first time we met? I remember the first time
we met…It was at… It was at the
YouTube FanFest 2000 and… Can I just say guys,
I’ve never attended a YouTube FanFest. No actually, I’ve met you as a fan when we were shooting
for Rolling Stone. Oh my God,
that’s the first time we met! Yes, that’s the first time we met. We shot for a magazine…cover. -No, we weren’t on the cover!
-We weren’t on the cover. We weren’t on the cover. We shot for inside the… magazine. Well, after the cover,
comes our faces. -And Dhruv, we’ve met. I remember.
-Yeah, we’ve met. It was 2015… Even I don’t remember that. -Balle balle!
-Great. Just because I’m from Dehli,
so you’ll use balle balle? Not racist at all! No but we were saying… I met you. -You came to the CNBC office.
-Yes. -The week that was.
-Yeah, the week that wasn’t. Ooh! I thought I’ll get
the one-up on this! And you were shooting a
documentary on comedy in India. Yeah, called ‘I am offended,’
which is a very good documentary guys. You should watch it. Subtle! No no, not subtle.
I’m openly saying it. An obvious plug,
not a subtle plug. So guys,
I’m going to ask some questions, cause that’s what apparently
you do in an interview. -I’m just looking forward to the games.
-Okay, I thought this one is different! -It’s not.
-Well… alright! f**k the questions then! One second, one second. -Shit!
-Oh my god! Okay. Question number 1- In what year was the Mughal Empire…
No, I’m kidding. I was getting
very serious about this. You were like..
I know this! I know this! Alright, guys.
Here’s the thing, guys. You guys have done
3 seasons of Little Things. Have we? -Yeah
-Have you seen the first one? Don’t you dare. I’ve seen the first season…
Loved it! But 3 seasons guys. That’s 3… -That’s a lot of time!
-That’s a lot of time! That’s 4 years, 3 seasons, 2 cast members, 1 show, and half a sandwich
in my dressing room. We’ve all come a long way. Yes, we have. -We’ve all come a long way.
-I think so. Very obvious question,
but I’m genuinely interested. Did you guys really think
it’ll come this far? -Shall I go first?
-Yeah. -No man!
-Yeah, right! I switched my
favourite football club… I’m an Arsenal supporter,
I made myself a Liverpool supporter. Because of the show? No no, because they have a nice motto,
“You’ll never walk alone” And I thought it went well with what
we were trying to achieve with the show. You know
companionship and togetherness. But now it’s a big deal
and everybody is like… but I thought
you’re a Liverpool supporter. I’m like, no I’m an Arsenal fan. -You’re an Arsenal supporter.
-Yeah,, lot of pain there. That’s all we wanted to hear.
Thank you for joining the interview segment. Just wanted to clarify that. So here’s my question to you and
I know that you’ve said this in many interviews that this show is not based
on an actual relationship. I call bullshit
and I want to know her name and her Instagram handle.
Everyone take out your phones to check out
who this girl really is. There are so many. Please! Don’t try acting too cool.
So many and all! Dude, I’m damn charming.
It was never one person. Mithila is like, ‘No! This is…No, You’re not charming.’ This is the version of Dhruv,
guys, that I’ve never seen before! The charming version? No, just this -person, that is..
-Awake! -Awake person.
-Because usually in interviews I’m like… -I’m very flattered by the way.
-I just lie during interviews. Simple. Yeah, yeah, I just keep on lying. Yeah, I just keep on lying. No to put it simply, he’s talking
more than I am. Which is a very rare thing. That’s true. Yeah! Hey man, it’s the Red Bull, not me. Hey, don’t blame the red bull.
Mithila, what do you have to say about, like you’ve never been
in a relationship, right? Is what you say! You heard it here first on
The Brand New Show! But Dhruv knows this,
he’s just trying to milk this situation! Juicy, juicy stuff! No, I’ve not been in a relationship. Mithila, Mithila, Mithu. Mithu, okay. Don’t do your drama here. We all know. No one appreciates a genuine person. Okay. And I’ve said this especially
during this season’s promotions that it’s a weird show,
like it makes people relate to it even when
they’re not in a relationship – Exhibit A. Did the show put you off relationships?
Was working with Dhruv… that put you off relationships for life? No!
And you’re like, if this is what it’s like? Never. Never! But that’s what I was saying is,
that the effect is opposite. Like to see Dhruv and Kavya,
and you go just like, ‘Want that relationship.’ -Really?
-Aww. I thought the same thing
when I watched Season 1. Yeah, I feel like that! What are you looking for
in a relationship? Mithila? How do you want your
relationship to make you feel? -My God! This is becoming like a…
-This has started to become intense… -This was supposed to be fun!
-This was supposed to be fun! Kaneez, let’s just meet over coffee
and I’ll tell you all of these things. Alright, Alright. So you want
someone to make you feel…? Okay, next question.
Keep guessing! I’m not that kind of host
who’s going to pry, but if you had to use one word?
What would it be? Happiness! What is that? That is open to interpretation. Alright? Do we have enough camera rolls to go on for 2 hours about what is happiness? Absence of desire,
is what happiness is, guys! Wow, everybody is thinking about this? Don’t take him seriously, friends.
He only wrote a show. I did not say this, there’s this guy called Gautam Buddha, -he said this. Yeah, that guy!
-That guy? I know him. I think, happiness is the absence of expectations. Nice. Nice. f**k I don’t have my phone,
I want to write this shit! -Will this be available online?
-Yes, it’ll be online. I’m just saying Kaneez, be careful
about what you share and speak because you’ll find that those statements
have made their way in things that he writes. That’s one of the questions
I wanted to ask but before we get there… Nice way to lean into that,
good one man. Did you guys plan this out?
It was very nicely… My God,
how much Red Bull has he had? A lot. A lot. A lot. Wow, I’ve never heard
Dhruv speak so much! Like you said, you’ve used
a lot of inspiration from friends. Yeah. -And from other people and your own life. Right?
-Yeah. And apparently
you’ve lost a lot of friends. -Yeah.
-Is that for real? I think or it’s just in my head
than it’s actually out there. But I keep feeling that I’m being
judged when someone talks to me. Because, a lot of times it has happened
that I’ve put something out there in the show and people are like,
‘Is that what you thought of the whole incident?’ And I’m like,
‘But this is a nicer version of that.’ Okay, I’m not trying to plug this in
but on my Netflix stand-up special. Sorry… I’m not trying to plug this in. All this is happening because of this. But I speak about my divorce and I am worried that my ex-husband
is going to watch it and be like.. ‘What the f**k!’
You know what I’m saying. But then what do you do man?
That’s another thing.. Then you’ve to work hard right? Something else that I read was, if you’re going to date
or be friends with an artist. Then like your stuff is going to
end up becoming their art. Right? Mithila, like I said, you… First of all
I want to ask you a question? You came into the
limelight because of your cup song,
that went viral. Right? And then you started acting after that…
Oh. You were acting before but people started… I was infact, working with
FilterCopy before that. How did that happen? So, this person called
Dhruv Sehgal called me, and he called me in
for an audition, guys! For? For the show that I did with
FilterCopy called News Darshan, which he was the D.O.P for by the way. And Kartik Krishnan used to write it.
Great stuff by the way. And you found her from the cup song? -No no no.
-He met me at a theatre festival called Thespo. He didn’t meet me but he saw me there. -Right.
-And then he got in touch with me for this show. that Kartik was writing. And then he auditioned me. And then you became an actor after that. Yeah. -She was an actor before that.
-I mean I was an actor -I mean I was auditioning for…
-She became famous. Yeah that. But I was auditioning for stuff
and that was my first internet gig. Wait. Katti Batti happened
before that or after? Infact, the first day of News Darshan
shoot was the release of Katti Batti. Wow. So everything happened together. Yes. So everything was… yeah! So you’re also an influencer
nowadays. Right? Don’t make that face,
we all have to do it. It pays our bills guys. But you’re an influencer,
an actor, a singer, a content creator of sorts. You know.
The thing is that I enjoy not being put in one category. Like I enjoy that, because then.. Things are limitless for me. Wow, you know I feel the exact opposite.
Sorry, I know it’s not about me. But like… I hate being called anything
else but a comedian. And that’s a little bit about me. -Alright guys, just the last question.
-That’s it? -Yeah.
-Then we play games. -Yeah, okay.
-This is a really good question. Since you guys are here.. Are you two…? We all want to know. -Friends on Facebook?
-No one second, one second. Are you two… for or against the Ayodhya verdict? -Oh.
-We want to know. We want to know. Oh wait! I’m sorry, I’m sorry
we don’t have time to ask that question.. unfortunately we have to move on.
So we can’t get the answer. Yup, no got it director. Got it. Alright guys so it’s time
to move on to the game segment. Yeah! Alright! Okay, moving on to the game,
it’s called ‘Littler Things’ The rules are simple. Each question will have two options, you’ve to pick out
which of them is littler than the other,
and you’ve to tell us why. -Alright, are you guys ready?
-Yeah. Which is littler? Mom’s scolding? Or Dad’s scolding? Not teeth, scolding. Wow! F**k. -Mom!
-Dad’s scolding. -Littler?
-Yeah littler. I think for me, in my head
I just played out my grandparents Since I have grown up with them. Grandmother. Littler. She scolds you less?
Yes. And your dad scolds you less? He just says this one thing.
‘Do not repeat it again!’ -In the future don’t do that?
-Yes. Yeah! I got that one. I got that one! Alright.
Whose is littler? -Dhruv’s vanity van, Mithila’s vanity van?
-Whose is littler? Mine. -Is his smaller than yours?
-Yeah. I need so many people
to make me look good. He doesn’t need
too many people. That’s it. And hence,
this is the way he looks. I made an effort guys!
You see these shoes? They’re new! Oh they are brand new. They are shining. Let’s see the soles,
then we’ll really know. Guys, brand new shoes! For you guys! On The Brand New Show! Okay, which is littler?
Season 2’s budget or Season 3’s budget? Two! You guys got more money? Netflix! Well done. Moving on. Which is littler?
The amount of time an actor takes to get ready or the amount of time they take to give a shot? This is a fun fact one. Depends on who is giving the shot. Who takes longer in a shot
between the two of you? I won’t get any more work! But I never lie. Is that because… See the thing is that
he takes littler time to get ready. -Yeah. So it balances out.
-It balances out. -Nice one mate.
-Wow. These guys. Aww… Nice. Well cued. Well cued, Kaneez. And the last one in the game that turned into an interview. Which is littler? My attention span or… We’re coming back
to you to the next.. F***ing messed it up!
Damn it. Damn it. Damn it! Okay! We do this again, one second.
Alright. Alright. Okay.
In the last one, everyone knows the joke,
please laugh again guys! Please okay. And now for the last question. What’s littler?
My attention span or and now it’s time for… You laughed too soon! Oh shit… You know, screw this.
We’re going into the next segment, which is a sketch called
Literal Things. Nice! Give it up for the writers
for that pun! Dhruv, are you busy? No, no. I’m just sitting here,
killing mosquitos. We need to talk. I’m not feeling
the connection any more. Yeah, even my 4G is down
for a while. No, I mean…
It’s not working out any more. He has a name, you know! Nilesh.
I was just taking a break guys, I’ll start again. Good vibes! We’re not working out as a couple! See, our work timings
are so different, how can we work out as a couple? Isn’t it bro? I don’t want us to be a couple anymore,
Dhruv. I can’t believe you’re saying this to me,
this can’t be true! Believe it Dhruv,
she’s speaking the truth. I don’t understand,
I don’t know where things went wrong. Don’t understand where
things went wrong? Really? I saw you yesterday,
I saw you with that bitch! Kavya, how many times have I told you,
she’s just a friend, she’s a good girl! I can’t keep doing this song
and dance with you again and again! You traitor. You dumbf**k. You were bae. Now go home. I am also tired of doing
this song and dance with you. I think we should see other people. Fine!
Fine! This is really confusing, I want to see you
when I talk to you. I deserve better than this, Dhruv. So what type of Dhruv do you want? Dhruv Kohli, Dhruv Kapoor,
Dhruv Jain, Dhruv Sehgal. For more details, dial 1800-DHRUV. I thought we had some
real chemistry together, Kavya? All tests prove negative.
You’re 1.21 giga-hertz short of true love. See, Dhruv! I just need to get out there,
I need some space. You need some space? It’s like I don’t even
know you anymore. You’re like a whole new person. Kavya? -What? Where am I?
-Kavya? What’s going on? What is this? -Kavya?
-No, Neha! Hi. Kavya, Kavya.
Kavya, Kavya. Kavya! You know I think, that sketch
taught us a very valuable lesson, that relationships come to an end. But after that
there are new beginnings. And we are going to
begin a new segment which is the game segment, which is called Lost in Translation! Alright guys, in this game
you guys will need team mates. So please can we introduce
your teammates on stage. Rytasha and Aseem! Yeah! -Let’s do this!
-Alright! You guys ready? -Alright.
-Okay. Dhruv & Rytasha,
your team is going first. What’s the name of your team? On the count of 3,
say it together…1…2…3. -Wow.
-Team A Wow. -Team A Wow.
-Team A Wow. Wow wow. Wow A.
Wow A. Wow A. That’s better How Lost in Translation works is, I’ve got words on this card that I promise you I’ve never seen before. I have to draw them on the white board. Rytasha, you’ve to guess what
I’ve drawn and act it out without using any sounds or pointing, etc. And then Dhruv,
you have to guess, what that word is. Alright, and when you guess
it right I’ll go ding ding ding,
and then you guys swap over and I’ll put another word
on the board. And you’ve to do
as many as you can in two minutes. Mithila, your teammate is Aseem. On the count of 3,
make eye contact and say your team name together.
3…2…1. We are the Thechas. Ah yes! I like that. -Some local flavor?
-That’s a nice one. That’s a nice one. Alright, are you ready Rytasha
your time starts now! Car. Steering wheel. You’re driving the car. Female Driver.
Taxi Driver. Cab Driver. Chauffer. What? -What have you drawn?
-Hey man, this is not our fault. You guys can pass it if you want to. Car. Car. -Car. Car.
-No. Cab. Taxi. Ola.
Uber. Bike. No sounds! Okay, fine, next one. Okay, the next one. I didn’t get it. What’s going on? Smoking. Cigarette. Ash. Ashtray. Yeah.
Swap places. Swap places. Oh f**k.
The next one. -Couple.
-Oh shit. -Potty.
-Yeah. Next one. At least we got 2 right. Laptop. Yes. -No. You have to guess it! It’s my turn. I’m sorry. Next one, next one. -Kaneez was like…
-This was an easy one. I slept. What? In the pool. Sunbathing. You guys have 10 more seconds. f**k, blanket? No! Then do something else no! Bed? Bed! -No, times up I’m sorry.
-What is that!? Come on, man! Kaneez, what is that? Times up. It was a couch, a sofa! Is it? So we got 5 right? We got 5 right, 5 right! Did you guys answer 5? Oh wait I’ve to clean this. Oh my god,
I really thought I was better at drawing. No worries, it’s okay. Team… -Thechas.
-Thechas, are you ready? Yes. Starts now, okay. Time? Wall clock. What is time?
Time is an illusion. How? Wall clock she got? Tabla. Yeah. These are very easy ones. Has her drawing gotten better? Suddenly she has improved! What! Come on man!
What the hell! -Rowing a Boat. Boat.
-Madh island. -Sail-boat.
-Madh island. Raheja’s. -Boat! Fishing.
-Yeah! Sailing a boat. What happened, Thecha? What happened, Thecha? Steering a boat! Rowing a boat? -Oh my God!
-Ma’am, what’s this? Kayaking? What! Oh I know what this is. Yes, of course, it’s that. Okay guys, too long.
Swap over! So sorry. You need to swap over. -What is that?
-That’s a yacht. Wait. Wait. -Vada Pav.
-What’s this? An apple? Swap places. -2 minutes are over.
-No, not yet. The round’s over! Dhruv, bro. Please. Guys you got 10 seconds. Snake. Elephant? Oh !
Time’s up and you guys got that! 5-4. 5-4, we won dude. 5-4! -Wait a minute.
-5-4, we won dude. Dhruv could you please
come stand on your spot? Alright guys, it looks like Dhruv Sehgal got 2 right.
His team got 2 right. The Wow A’s.
Congratulations! Alright and team… -Thec…
-Thecha! Team Thecha got 3 right! Which means you guys
are the winners. -And you guys are the losers.
-What do we get? Not only on the show,
but also in your lives… going forward from the show. But don’t worry. Nothing really matters,
we’re all going to die from global warming in the end… Nothing really matters,
except the Little Things. Plug. -Nothing really matters…
-It is our title track guys. How does the title track go?
Let’s all sing it together! Sing, sing, sing. It’s not for us to say What will be And at the end of the day We’ll see Which way the whole thing bends And what it could bring? Cause nothing really matters except the Little Things! Guys, that’s the end of the show. Thank you so much! Next week there will be a
new host and another brand new show. Thank you so much!
Love to all of you. Namastey! And good night! Thank you so much! More episodes of
The Brand New Show coming soon! Wait, I’m only the host
for one of the episodes? Then why should I ask them to
like, share, subscribe. No, No, No, No,
it is not in my contract. Okay fine, if I tell them to
like, share and subscribe to this YouTube channel,
then I’m coming back for season 2! That’s it. Yeah. See you on season 2 as well! After you like, share and subscribe.